Chapter 6

The Last Page bookstore in London was crowded with people on a rainy Saturday afternoon.  Every table in the coffee shop at the rear of store was occupied as Millicent quickly put sugar in her tea and made her way to the office in the back room.  After three years of working as a clerk, the owner promoted her to daytime manager.  With the promotion came more responsibility, including making recommendations for new books.  Millicent sat down at her desk and started going through press releases from publishing houses wanting to get their books into the store.

The first person Millicent called after getting the promotion was John.  He was proud of her and had flowers delivered to the store to congratulate her.  In the three years since she’d left Land’s End Millicent had been back only once but John had been to London to visit three times, twice with Sophie.  Each time he had been amazed at the transformation in Millicent.

Millicent never regretted leaving Land’s End.  She had a job and a place to live and even a few friends.  For the first time since before George, Millicent felt happy, really happy.  She no longer locked herself away from people and the world.  She enjoyed taking long walks through Hyde Park in the spring and wasn’t bothered by the crowded Underground in the winter.  She had even gone on a few dates.  Her co-worker Betsy convinced her to get her hair cut and styled. Millicent got Lasik to replace her glasses and a new wardrobe.  She even visited a plastic surgeon that was able to reduce the visibility of her scar.

Betsy was Millicent’s best friend.  The petite blond from Manchester shared Millicent’s love of books but was much more outgoing than Millicent, even with her new confidence.  Betsy had wicked sense of humor and made Millicent laugh.  Sometimes they would have pajama parties and watch Hugh Grant movies all night.  Other times Betsy would drag Millicent to a club and they would dance like crazy teenagers, not caring what other people thought of them.  Millicent had finally moved on with her life.  Betsy never asked Millicent about her past and Millicent was 

Millicent was so busy reading she didn’t hear Betsy come into the office.

“What are you still doing here?” Betsy asked.  “Weren’t you supposed to go home thirty minutes ago?”

Millicent looked at the clock.  “I didn’t realize how late it was.”

“Here,” Betsy said, giving Millicent her raincoat and umbrella.  “It’s still pouring out there.  Are we still on for tomorrow?”

“Yes, seven o’clock, your place,” Millicent said.

“Don’t forget the popcorn.  I ran out after our last marathon.”  Betsy left Millicent and went back to the cash register at the front of the store.  The store was still crowded as Millicent walked out of the office.  She had gone only a few steps when she saw him.

Andrew had just come around the corner and was looking at a display of new best sellers.  Millicent quickly turned around and retreated back into the office.  She hadn’t seen him since that evening in the garden.  The evening he told her he was leaving Flora and knew about George. 

When Millicent cam e to London she made no attempt to contact Andrew in Oxford.  She still had his telephone number but she knew she would never call him.  He left with Flora that night and Millicent knew she’s missed her chance and wasn’t going to look back.  But now, three years later, there he was.  Millicent cracked the door open slightly and peered out.

He was just as handsome as she remembered.  His hair was little longer and damp from the rain.  He was wearing a navy blue suit, a striped tie that was slightly undone and carried a briefcase and a wet, gray trench coat.

Millicent closed the door, took a deep breath and contemplated what to do.  She could either hide in the office until he was gone or take a chance and walk out, hoping he wouldn’t see her.  It was silly for her to hide so she opened the door and walked out.  Andrew was gone.  Millicent quickly made her way to the front of the store just in time to see Andrew walk outside past the front window.
“Stay dry,” Betsy said from the register.

“Yeah, I will,” Millicent said.  She walked out onto the sidewalk, put her umbrella up and walked off in the opposite direction.

* * *

For the next four days Andrew was all Millicent could think of.  She thought she saw him everywhere she went, in the bookstore, in the market, on the Underground.  And she dreamed about him every night.  One night she dreamt they were getting married in the garden at Wainwright Manor.  In another dream she was a nanny for Andrew and Flora’s four children.  Last night’s dream she was running all over London trying to find him.  And when she found him he laughed at her.  Millicent tried to keep busy by working extra hours at the bookstore.  At home she watched television show she normally wouldn’t watch just to keep her mind occupied.  But nothing seemed to work.

What was he doing in London?  Why wasn’t he in Oxford with Flora?  He could just be in town for business, Millicent reasoned.  Or maybe Flora finally left her husband and the two had moved to London with Flora’s son.  Millicent was making herself crazy thinking about it and realized she was becoming the old Millicent from Land’s End.  A woman who hid behind books and obsessed about a man who had just being nice.

But exactly one week later she saw him again.  Millicent was leaving the store to go home and there he was.  This time he was sitting in the coffee shop.  He was wearing a different suit but Millicent would have recognized him anywhere.  He was reading a book and drinking coffee.

Once again Millicent retreated back into the office without Andrew seeing her.  What were the chances, Millicent thought.  If she didn’t talked to him this time she knew she might never get the chance again.  And she didn’t know how many days she’d spend seeing him everywhere and how many night she’d been dreaming about him.  She took a deep breath and walked over to his table.

“Hello, Andrew,” Millicent said.

Andrew looked up and Millicent could see the shock on his face but recognized her instantly.

“Millicent,” Andrew said getting up from his seat.  “I can’t believe it.”  Andrew wasn’t sure he should hug her or shake her hand.  In the end he did neither.  “Sit down.  How are you?  What are you doing here?”

“I work here,” Millicent said.  “I’m the daytime manager.”

“That’s fantastic.  So you live in London now?  How long have you been here?”

            “It’s been three years.”

            Andrew did the math in his head and realized it had been three years since he’d last seen her.  He realized she must have left Wainwright Manor soon after he did.

“How are you?  How is John?”

“I’m fine.   John’s doing well.”

“Good.”

The two sat in awkward silence for a few minutes.

“What are you reading?” Millicent asked.  

“Oh, Empire Falls by Richard Russo.”

           
“Another Pulitzer Prize winner.”

           
“Yes.  A couple of years ago I met this amazing woman who introduced me to a whole new world of books,” Andrew said.  Millicent smiled.

           
“Well I’m glad to see you’re still reading.”

           
 Andrew took a sip of his coffee.  “I’ve actually been thinking about you a lot this week.  I always wanted the opportunity to apologize for the way things ended.”

           
“You leaving was probably the best thing that could have happened,” Millicent said.

           
“Really?”

           
 “At the time, when I came home and John told me you’d left with Flora, I didn’t think so.  But now, I probably wouldn’t be where I am if you hadn’t left.”

           
“I’m glad things worked out for you.  You look . . . great,” Andrew said.  “You cut your hair and no more glasses.”

           
Millicent’s hand went up to smooth her hair.  Although she was happy, her work was great, and she had friends, Millicent still hadn’t ventured into any serious relationships since coming to London.  She never wanted to rush into anything.

           
“How’s Flora?” Millicent asked.

           
“Flora is, well . . . things are pretty much the same.”

           
Millicent noticed that something had changed in Andrew when she asked about Flora.  He didn’t smile when he spoke of her and she suspected he wasn’t happy.

           
“I see,” Millicent said. “Well, I guess I’d better be going.”

           
She got up from the table and started to leave when Andrew got up and grabbed her arm.

           
“Wait,” he said.  “I am really glad we bumped into each other, and well, would you have lunch with me tomorrow?”

           
Millicent was surprised by the request.  She has expected him to say all the appropriate things and then she’d never see him again.  She expected closure, not an invitation to lunch.  Her first instinct was to decline, she wanted her life to move forward, not dwell in the past but instead she found herself agreeing to meet him the next day at a café down the street.

* * *

Andrew had just walked in the door of his flat when his phone rang.

           
“Hello darling.  How was your day?”

           
“Actually Flora, it was pretty good,” Andrew said, hanging up his coat.

           
“And what are you up to tonight?”

           
“Some dinner, probably some television.  What about you?”

           
“It’s parent-teacher night at Matthew’s school,” Flora said.  “Maybe I can get out early and come see you for an hour before going home.”

           
After Andrew left Land’s End, Flora’s husband Ian had been transferred to London.  His current employer had not been too happy when Andrew had left Wainwright Manor before the job was done and he was let go.  He decided to follow Flora to London and find another job.

           
“It’s okay if you can’t,” Andrew said.  “We’re still on for Friday night, right?’

           
“Yes, I told Ian I was going to a spa in Berkshire with a friend and we’d be spending the night.”

           
“Then I’ll see you Friday.  Just let yourself in.”

           
“I will, love.  See you then.”

           
Andrew went to the kitchen and opened the fridge.  He took out a beer and a carton of leftover chicken curry.  He grabbed a fork from the drawer and sat down at the table.  Seeing Millicent had through him for a loop.  Twenty minutes earlier he found himself riding the District Line going the wrong way.  Andrew chewed a mouthful of cold curry and replayed the meeting in his head.

           
Millicent seemed more confident, more self-assured.  He could still see the scar on her face but it was much less noticeably.  Overall she looked better, like she’d taken some interest in her appearance and was just healthier.  After Andrew had returned to Oxford with Flora he tried to figure out a way to convince Millicent that she was wrong, he didn’t pity or feel sorry for her.  Several times he picked up the phone and dialed the manor’s number only to hang up after one ring.  He didn’t know what to say to her.  He tried writing letters but ended up filling his wastebasket with crumpled paper.  If he loved her, she should have been able to tell her.  As time when by Andrew began to think that maybe he didn’t love her after all.  He gave up trying to call and writing letters.  After moving to London he went back to a normal routine, work and seeing Flora whenever she could get away.

           
Sometimes Andrew felt as if he’d never gone to Land’s End, had never met Millicent.  His life was exactly the same as before, just in a different city.  After seeing Millicent, Andrew realized nothing had really changed and, most importantly, nothing in his life had gotten better.  He still couldn’t go out in public with Flora, couldn’t go to a restaurant or take a walk in Holland Park.  He had no future with Flora and she would never leave Ian to be with him.  They would never have a family of their own.  All of a sudden Andrew felt like he had wasted that last three years of his life. 

He threw away the empty beer bottle and the curry into the trash.  He knew he was going to make a decision that was change his life.  And this time he was going to do it right.

           

           

           

Chapter 5

By the time Andrew got to his room he knew what he had to do. He dialed Flora’s cell phone.

“Can you talk?” Andrew asked when she answered.

“Just a moment.” Andrew could hear her telling someone she had to take this call. A few minutes later he heard a door close and Flora came back on.

“Andrew, I’m so glad to hear your voice,” Flora said. “Things are dreadful here. I can’t wait to see you. Is next weekend going to work?”

“Actually Flora, I don’t think I’ll be able to come back to Oxford until I’m completely done here,” Andrew said.

“Oh no, why?”

“I’ve been thinking. We can’t go on like this.”

“Like what? This is the way it’s always been,” Flora said. “You knew it would be this way.”

“I know but I’ve come to realize I want more.”

“More? I love you Andrew, what more can you want?”

“But you’re not mine. You may not love Ian but you belong to him. You’re his wife. And that won’t change unless you divorce.

“Not this again. I need Ian’s money but I don’t love him.

“But as long as you’re with him you can’t be with me, not completely. We’ve never taken a walk together. We’ve never eaten in a restaurant together. We’ve never even been out in public together.”

“You know why we can’t do those things and it never bothered you before.”

“It bothers me now.”

“Let’s not talk about this now,” Flora said. “You’ll be back in a month, right? We can talk about it when you return.”

Andrew took a deep breath. As much as he wanted to end things at the moment he knew this breakup couldn’t happen over the phone. It would have to wait. “Okay.”

After he hung up the phone all Andrew felt was dread. He realized that ending it with Flora wasn’t going to be easy. There were too many restrictions in their relationship. He wanted freedom, something he hadn’t felt in a long time.

It was Millicent who had helped him see things clearly. Her life, her experiences helped him realize that he had no future with Flora. And he wanted a future with someone.

* * *

There was a festive atmosphere at dinner that night. Sophie joined them and the table was full of talk and laughter. The Wilsons from Dublin were guests for the night. Millicent arrived wearing a light blue summer dress. Her hair was loosely pinned up and for the first time Andrew thought she looked pretty. Upon seeing her he wanted to rush to her side and tell her about his conversation with Flora, but instead John approached him to ask a question about the budget and everyone sat down to eat. Millicent sat at the opposite end of the table from Andrew. When she looked over at him she returned his gaze with a smile.

After dinner Millicent disappeared. Andrew made small talk for a while and then went to look for her. He found her sitting on a bench in the garden.

“Hi,” he said as he sat down next to her.

“It looked like Mrs. Wilson was talking your ear off,” Millicent said.

“She and her husband left five dogs at home and she’s worried about them.” He laughed and sat on the bench next to her.

"She misses them.”

“She might, but I think Mr. Wilson is glad for the time away,” Andrew said. All of a sudden he felt awkward talking to her. He didn’t know where to start.

“I wanted…,” Millicent began at the same time Andrew said, “Millicent…”

They both laughed. “You first,” he said.

“I wanted to thank you again for today,” she said.

“Thank you for coming with me. It was good to get out. It wouldn’t have been nearly as fun if I had been by myself,” Andrew said. “I think your nose got a little sunburned.”

“I think you’re right,” Millicent blushed. “What did you want to say?”

“I wanted to thank you for helping me make a decision today,” he said.

“A decision?”

“Yes. When we got back I called Flora and told her I didn’t think our relationship was going to work.”

“I helped you decide that?” Millicent asked.

“You helped me to see that I don’t have a future with Flora. She wants to talk about it when I get back to Oxford, but for me it’s over.”

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out,” Millicent said sincerely.

“I’m happy about this,” Andrew said, taking her hand in his. “I feel as if a weight has been lifted off me, one I didn’t even know I was carrying. I feel as if I have this freedom I didn’t have before. Thanks to you.”

“I’m glad you’re happy.”

“What about you?” he asked. “I want you to be happy too. To feel what I’m feeling.”

“If you’re happy then I’m happy.”

“You’re like nobody I’ve ever known,” Andrew said squeezing her hand. “I want more for you. You are a good person Millicent, and you deserve happiness. You need to forget about the past.”

“What do you know about my past?” Millicent asked.

“John told me what happened with George,” Andrew said. “I know what he did to you. I know about the accident and how you got that scar on your face.”

Millicent yanked her hand away and stood up. She walked away but then turned to Andrew.

“How long have you known?” she asked.

“Since we got back from Oxford,” he answered.

“Of course, it makes sense now. You felt sorry for me. You pitied me. Poor Millicent, stupid, foolish Millicent,” she cried. “Just a pathetic woman hiding away, wasting away until she dies.”

“It’s not like that,” Andrew said, trying to comfort her.

“Don’t touch me, please,” Millicent said, stepping away from him.

“I don’t understand,” Andrew said.

“I don’t want to be friends with someone who feels sorry for me.”

“But I don’t.”

“How could you not after what John told you? Look at me. I’d hideous. I’m ugly and scarred. How could anyone love me?”

“You are not ugly. There is so much more to you that what’s on the outside.”

“What you feel is pity. You’re a good man and you feel sorry for me now that you know what happened to me. I can’t expect you to feel otherwise. Remember? No expectations.”

Millicent turned to walk back to the manor. Andrew called her name but she didn’t stop and he didn’t go after her. Was Millicent right? Could he have made a mistake, wanting to end the relationship with Flora because he pitied Millicent? Had he mistaken pity for love? Andrew wasn’t sure what he felt anymore.

* * *

Millicent was crying when she ran into Sophie in the lobby as she was leaving.

“What happened?” Sophie asked.

“Did you know that John told Andrew about George?” Millicent asked.

“No. When did he tell him?”

“After that terrible trip to Oxford. Sophie, I can’t bear to be here tonight. I’m so angry at John.”

“Come stay with me tonight.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“Go wait in the car. I’ll tell John so that he doesn’t worry about you.”

* * *

It had been dark for a long time when Andrew realized he was cold. He was still sitting in the garden trying to figure out his feelings for Millicent. He heard voices coming from the manor and looked up to see a woman emerge out the back door and towards the garden. She was immaculately dressed in black slacks and a bright blue designer T-shirt that was covered by a black leather jacket. Her mane of blond hair glowed in the moonlight.

“Flora?” Andrew asked as he stood. “What are you doing here?”

“We have to talk,” Flora said.

“Is everything alright? Does Ian know you’re here?”

“I told him I was going to my sister’s,” she said.

“What if he checks up on you?” Andrew asked.

“He won’t. Look, I didn’t drive five bloody hours to this God-forsaken place to talk about Ian,” Flora said. “You love me. I know you love me. We can work this all out.”

“Flora, I just don’t know,” Andrew said desperately.

“I need you. You and Matthew are the only things that keep me sane. I don’t understand why things have to change. I don’t understand why you’ve changed.”

“I don’t know if can explain it.”

“Try. Does it have to do with Millicent?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe? Did something happen? Is it over? If so, we can move on. I can forgive you.”

“I just thought . . . I don’t know what I thought. She is just so different from you.”

“Different how?” Flora asked. “Different better?”

“No, just different. And I thought she had feelings for me but now it seems everything has changed.”

“Darling,” Flora said, taking his hand. “You need to get away from here. Come back to Oxford with me. We can work things out. If you want changes we can make changes. You need to get back to your normal life.”

“I think I need some time to figure things out.”

“Come back to Oxford,” Flora insisted. “I promise I will give you as much time as you need, but please, come home with me.”

“I can’t just leave,” Andrew said.

“Why not? The bank can send someone else here tomorrow to finish the job. Things will be better when you get home.”

Andrew looked at Flora. He had missed her and she did love him. Maybe she would leave Ian after all. Maybe he could show her that she didn’t need his money, he could provide for her and Matthew.

“Let’s get your things,” Flora said.

* * *

In the morning Millicent was already in the kitchen making tea when Sophie came down. She had tried to get Millicent to talk about what had happened with Andrew but Millicent kept silent and insisted she was tired and went to bed. After buttering a piece of toast Sophie tried again.

“You might feel better if you tell me what happened,” Sophie suggested.

Millicent sat down at the table with a cup of tea in her hand. Sophie said down next to her.

“Andrew told me was going to break up with Flora.”

“Really? I bet he has feelings for you,” Sophie said excitingly.

“If he did they only came after he heard about George.”

“What? You’ve lost me.”

“Isn’t it obvious? John told him about what happened and now Andrew feels sorry for me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. He doesn’t feel sorry for you.”

“How can you be sure?” Millicent asked.

“I can’t. But after talking to Andrew he seems like a man with compassion.”

“A person like Andrew could never fall in love with a person like me.”

“A person like you? Millicent, there is nothing wrong with you.”

“You’re not blind. You can see just as clearly as I can that I’m ugly. I’m damaged. That’s what’s wrong with me.”

“You definitely not damaged. You are kind and caring and smart. Those things count for something.”

“Not as much as physical beauty.”

“And you think Andrew only sees what’s on the outside?” Sophie asked.

“In my case it’s pretty hard to get past.”

“Andrew did. You thought Andrew couldn’t see past your self-proclaimed ugliness but the real problem is that you can’t overcome your fear of allowing someone to care about you. Andrew got to see you for the beautiful person you really are. There’s more to beauty than what’s on the outside.”

“Andrew said the same thing,” Millicent said.

“You see. I’m right. Now, you need to get yourself dressed, go home and tell Andrew how you feel.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Of course you can,” Sophie insisted.

“Why does this have to be so hard?” Millicent asked.

“Because that’s the way life is sometimes.”

“Thank you, Sophie.”

“What are friends for?”

* * *

Sophie drove Millicent back to the manor and then went into town to open her store. Millicent walked up to the third floor and noticed the door to Andrew’s room was open. The room had been cleaned. Nothing of Andrew remained. Millicent opened the armoire. It was empty. Millicent quickly ran downstairs and into John’s office.

“Where is he?” she asked, breathless. “Where did he go?”

John looked up from his computer. “He left. Apparently Flora came up for him and the two left in the middle of the night. He said he wouldn’t be coming back and the bank would send someone else to finish the job. I’ve been on the phone all morning trying to straighten this mess out. He might not have a job anymore.”

“How could he leave without saying goodbye?”

“I think Flora was pretty convincing,” John said. “She is one gorgeous woman.”

Millicent ran out to the garden. She flung open the back gate and continued to run to the cliffs. Her tears and the wind stung her face as she continued to run down to the beach. Millicent fell to her knees where the water met the sand, and sobbed as the white foamy water surrounded her.

* * *

After dinner John went up to Millicent’s room. She hadn’t come down to eat and he was concerned. Her door was open and there was a suitcase on her bed.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“London.”

“Why?”

“I need to get away from here,” Millicent said. Once again she had allowed someone to get close to her and, once again, she got hurt. She was angry and felt stupid for letting it happen. She knew she needed to start over. She needed to get away from Wainwright Manor.

“What has happened?”

“Nothing,” she lied. “I just need to go.”

“Did Andrew do something to you.”

“No,” Millicent said.

“He left with Flora. He loves her.”

Millicent continued to throwing clothes into her suitcase.

“I can still lose the manor, Millicent. The bank could still take everything away.”

“I know.”

“So you decide now is the time to leave? I can’t get this place back on track and worry about you at the same time.”

“You don’t have to worry about me, John.”

“After what happened in Oxford? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Maybe that’s been the problem,” Millicent said. “Maybe I need to start taking care of myself.”

“You’re not ready,” John said.

Millicent slammed her closet door. “I am ready!” she yelled.

John looked at her in amazement. He’d never seen her so angry or so determined before.

“It’s time for me to step out on my own,” Millicent said. “I’ve let the memory of what happened with George turn me into someone I don’t like. I want to change. I want to make a fresh start. Can’t you understand that? After Cynthia you got a second chance. I want mine.”

John said down on her bed. “I can understand.”

“I’m sorry the timing isn’t great, but it’s something I have to do and do now.”

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too.”

John gave Millicent a hug and took her suitcase off her bed. The two went downstairs. Sophie was waiting to take Millicent to the train.

“Will you come with us to the station?” Millicent asked John.

“Of course.”

Chapter 4

The morning after his conversation with Flora, Andrew decided to tell Millicent that he didn’t need her help anymore. Flora had been right. Andrew was here to do a job. He wanted to be a friend to Millicent but he didn’t need any complications.

“Millicent,” Andrew said as she started dusting the office. “I really appreciate everything you’ve done over the last few weeks.”

“I’ve been glad to help,” she said, continuing with her dusting.

“But I really don’t feel right taking up all your time.”

“I’ve enjoyed helping.”

This isn’t going to be easy, Andrew thought.

“Actually Millicent, I think you’ve done everything I’ve needed help with.”

“Oh,” she said, stopping what she was doing. “You’re sure?”

“Yes,” Andrew said. “Thank you.”

“I can . . . ,” Millicent said.

“No, Millicent, please,” Andrew said forcefully. “This is getting to be too much. Everywhere I turn, you’re there. I can’t take it anymore. It would be better if you just left.”

“Have I don’t something wrong?” Millicent asked. “Because if I have . . .”

“No, you haven’t done anything wrong,” Andrew said.

“But there really is so much more . . .”

“No!” Andrew yelled. “Aren’t you listening to me? You need to leave. I can’t have you fluttering around here anymore. I need to concentrate on work. That’s why I’m here.”

“I thought that maybe . . .,” Millicent started to say then changed her mind. “Of course, I understand. I’m sorry I’ve been such a bother to you.”

Andrew now wished he could take back what he said. He wasn’t handling the situation the way he intended to.

“Millicent, wait,” he said, but it was too late. She had already left the office.

* * *

What had she been thinking? Millicent knew she never should have listened to Sophie. She broke rule number one – no expectations. And thinking back Millicent realized how stupid she’d been acting. She’d been in isolation for so long that she’d gone to extremes with Andrew. How had she gotten so obsessed? Millicent was now too embarrassed to even face Andrew again.

* * *

Andrew didn’t see Millicent for three days. At dinner on the third night Andrew and John were alone so Andrew asked him about Millicent.

“She hasn’t been feeling well. I know you had a fight with her, although she won’t tell me what it was about. She’s terribly upset by it and isn’t eating again,” he said. “If she doesn’t improve by morning I’m calling Doctor Treadwell.”

Andrew wondered what he’d gotten himself into. He felt guilty and was angry for feeling that way. Millicent wasn’t his problem. Her self-induced illness wasn’t his problem.

“I thought she was getting better,” John said. “She was enjoying the time she spent with you.”

“You can’t hold me responsible,” Andrew said.

“What?” John asked.

“I am not responsible for Millicent’s health.”

“Of course not,” John said. “I wasn’t implying. . ."

“Yes, you were. I’m not some kind of healer. I’m not here to make your sister better. I’m here so you will continue to have a business to run and a place to live.”

“Andrew, I never intended…,” John said.

“I know what your intentions were,” Andrew replied angrily. “You were using me to help Millicent. You thought she’d come out of her shell and her health would improve if somebody showed her some attention. Make her forget about George. I’ve been naïve not to have seen it sooner.”

“Please, let me explain,” John said. “It was not my intention for things to happen the way they have. But after the Oxford trip I saw how happy she was and how you took care of her.”

“Damn it, John! I’m not a heartless person. What was I supposed to do, leave her in the hospital by herself?”

“That’s what George did.”

“Don’t you dare compare me to George!” Andrew yelled. He threw his napkin on the table and left. He needed some air. Things had gotten out of control, he thought as he walked the path to the cliffs. He looked out over the sea and let the wind cool his face. The guilt was too much. He knew that when Millicent was happy she felt better. And he knew that right now he could make her happy. But she was suffocating him. He couldn’t have her around every hour of the day. She would need to give him space, make it a proper friendship. He had to try to make things better. He walked back to the manor and up to Millicent’s room.

“Millicent, it’s Andrew,” he said after knocking on the door. There was no response. “Millicent?”

“Come in.” The room was dark with only a single light on next to the bed. The air was stuffy and the curtains were drawn. The room was similar to Andrew’s but more lived in. Family photographs hung on the wall and several books were piled on the table next to the bed. Millicent was sitting up in bed reading. She looked thin and pale, much like she had that first night Andrew had met her in the library. Andrew took a chair, pulled it next to the bed and sat down.

“John told me you weren’t feeling well,” Andrew said.

Millicent said nothing and stared at the book in her hand.

“I’m sorry I upset you the other day.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I understand.”

“But I don’t think you do. I wasn’t trying to get rid of you. I enjoy your company, really I do.”

“Please, you don’t need to explain anything.”

“I do. I’ve just had a lot on my mind and I needed a little bit of space. I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“I don’t want to complicate things for you.”

“Don’t think that. I am truly sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Millicent said finally looking up at Andrew. “I’m so embarrassed by my behavior. I’m not sure why I became that way.”

“Maybe you need to get out more,” Andrew suggested. “Maybe you need to make some plans for your life.”

“No expectations, remember?”

“Millicent, you can’t spend the rest of your life in the bubble of Wainwright Manor, not letting anything touch you.”

Getting up and opening the curtain, Andrew said, “Let’s start by getting some fresh air in here.” He opened the window and a soft breeze flowed into the room. “That’s better. Now I was thinking of taking a walk tomorrow, down the cliffs to the shore. Get some exercise. If you’re feeling better would you like to join me?”

“Andrew, don’t feel obligated to. . .”

“Millicent, I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t want your company.”

Millicent knew Andrew was right about her living in a bubble. She was living in isolation, away from anything, good or bad, that might touch her. “All right then, what if I ask Cathy to pack us a picnic?”

“That would be wonderful. Thank you.”

Even though Andrew found himself actually looking forward to the picnic, he was having a hard time understanding his feelings toward Millicent. He wasn’t physically attracted to her but she was very different from the other women he knew, women who were attractive, confident and cultured, like Flora. Millicent saw things differently that other women. The sadness Millicent felt made Andrew sad as well. Most of the women Andrew knew were proudly independent, making sure everyone knew they didn’t need a man to take care of them. He didn’t think Millicent needed anyone to take of her either but she was longing for something. A companion, some to love and love her in return.

* * *

Millicent tried to contain her excitement about the picnic. No expectations, she reminded herself. She kept telling herself that Andrew was just being nice. He really didn’t have anything to entertain him at the manor when he wasn’t working. He was probably so bored he would have suggested a walk to anyone.

Millicent dug into the back of her closet and pulled out a sundress she hadn’t worn since leaving Oxford. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d worn any dress. She pulled a cardigan from the closet as well. Millicent decided that for once she would make an effort with her appearance. She couldn’t do anything about the scar on her face but everything else could look nice. And maybe Andrew was different, she thought. Maybe he could see beyond the exterior regardless of what her face looked like.

* * *

Before going to bed that night Andrew went to find John. He was in the office working on the payroll.

“John,” Andrew said. John looked up from his computer. “I just wanted to apologize for my behavior at dinner tonight. I let other things cloud my thinking.”

“No, it’s me who should apology,” John said. “I never meant to compare you to George. I guess I’ve become an overly protective brother.”

“I went and saw Millicent tonight,” Andrew said. “If she’s up to it we’re going to picnic on the beach tomorrow.”

“Andrew, you don’t have to go out of your way for Millicent.”

“It’s all right. I want to do this.”

* * *

The next day was perfect for a picnic, sunny with a slight breeze coming off the calm sea. Millicent got dressed and went downstairs to breakfast. She was pouring a cup of tea when Andrew came in.

“You look very pretty today,” he said.

Millicent blushed.

After breakfast Millicent collected a basket from Carol, and she and Andrew walked through the garden gate towards the cliffs.

“Wait,” Millicent said, stopping just outside the gate. She took a deep breath. “Doesn’t it smell wonderful? The combination of flowers and sea air.”

Andrew closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes, I’ve never noticed it before.”

Millicent smiled at him and they continued walking. The path led them down to the beach shore where they spread out a blanket and set the picnic basket down.

“Isn’t it a lovely day?” Millicent asked. She took off her sandals and wiggled her toes in the sand.

“I had never been to this part of the country before coming to Wainwright Manor,” Andrew said.

“Some people say it’s the prettiest part of England’s coastline.”

“I can see why.”

Millicent asked Andrew about his childhood. He told her about growing up with two older brothers in Greenwich, east of London. He felt he had a fairly typical middle class childhood. His mother stayed at home and his was an accountant, now retired.

“And did you go to school at Oxford?” Millicent asked.

“No, I went to the London Business School at the University of London.”

“Did you enjoy it there?”

“After my first year I moved out of the family house and into a flat with four other blokes. I worked in a pub just off campus when I wasn’t studying to help pay tuition. Pretty typical university experience, I guess.”

“And did you a girlfriend?”

“Lydia. Things got pretty serious for a while but in the end she pitched me and went to America to work for the forest service or something like that. She was obsessed with the Rocky Mountains. I think she’s living in Colorado or Utah, somewhere in the mountains with lots of evergreen trees. She left after we graduated and I got a job at the Bank of Oxford.”

A seagull flew overhead and they watched it skim over the water.

“What was your childhood like?” Andrew asked.

Millicent told him about growing up in Oxford where both her parents were professors. They had encouraged her to read so she spent most of her time with her nose in a book. She wasn’t very popular and got teased but John tried to stand up for her as much as possible.

“I miss my parents,” Millicent said. “We used to have such wonderful conversations.”

“John told me they passed away,” Andrew said. “My parents didn’t pay too much attention to my brothers and me. I think their main concern was that we didn’t break too many bones or kill each other.”

“Are you close with your brothers?” Millicent asked.

“Not really. I talk to them every so often and see them at Christmas but that’s about it. Both are married with kids and have their own lives. They do go visit Mum and Dad quite often which makes them happy. They like to spend time with their grandkids.”

“Do you want children one day?”

“I don’t know. I guess it would depend on who I was having them with.”

“What about Flora? Does she have children?”

“A son, Matthew. He’s seven.”

“Have you met him?”

“No,” Andrew answered. “I’ve never even seen a photograph of him.”

The two sat quietly for a while, watching the seagull dive into the water several times before successfully getting what it wanted and flying away.

“Let’s walk down to the water.” Andrew took off his shoes and rolled up his pants. He started to walk into the tide before running back to the dry sand. “Damn, it’s cold!”

Millicent laughed. “It’s lovely to look at but frigid. Notice how there isn’t anybody swimming.” There were other people on the beach but nobody was in the water.

“So you knew it cause frostbit on my feet but you let me go in anyway?” Andrew teased her. Millicent giggled. “Let’s see how funny it is to get a little chill yourself,” Andrew said, playfully splashing water towards Millicent with his foot.

She laughed and moved away.

“You won’t get away that easily,” Andrew said and bent down to use his hands. Millicent ran away and Andrew followed. When he caught up with her she was sitting in the sand examining a shell.

“Isn’t it beautiful?’ she asked, handing it to him.

“You should take it home with you.”

“I think I will. To remind me of today,” she smiled. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving, actually.”

They went back to the blanket and unpacked the lunch Cathy had made. Chicken salad sandwiches, green grapes, cheese and sodas. Andrew watched Millicent eat an entire sandwich and some grapes.

“It’s good to see you’ve got your appetite back,” Andrew said. “The doctor in Oxford was concerned about your weight.”

“I’ve never eaten much. For some reason I just don’t get hungry but today this sandwich tasted wonderful.”

“It’s probably all the fresh air.”

“Can I ask you something rather personal?” Millicent asked.

“Sure.”

“Are you happy?”

“I guess so, most of the time,” Andrew said without really thinking about it.

“That’s not good enough.”

“Sometimes you have to take what you can get,” Andrew said, surprised by her response.

“I want the people I care about to be happy all the time,” Millicent said. “And that includes you.”

“That’s really sweet of you but nobody can be happy all the time. Everyone has something in their life they’re not happy about.”

“What aren’t you happy about?” Millicent asked.

“I don’t know. I guess right now its Flora.”

“I thought you loved her.”

“I did. I do. But I’m not sure where our relationship is going.”

“If she’s still married it can’t go anywhere,” Millicent said bluntly.

Andrew began sifting sand through his fingers. “I know.”

“Would she get divorced?”

“No.”

“Doesn’t she love you?”

“She says she does but there are other factors.”

Millicent shook her head. “If she really loves you she would divorce her husband and be with you. You deserve that.”

The two sat in silence listening to the waves crash on the shore.

“What do you want your future to be like?” Millicent asked.

“What kind of expectations do I have for my life? I thought you didn’t believe in expectations,” Andrew said.

“I don’t have any for myself but I do for other people,” Millicent said.

“And what if people have expectations for you?”

“Nobody does.”

“John does. I’m sure he wants you to be happy.”

“John probably does have some expectations for me, but he’s my brother, he’s obligated,” Millicent laughed. “What do you want?”

“I guess I want what everyone else wants, a wife, kids, a family to come home to every night.”

“But it doesn’t sound like you can get that with Flora.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

Millicent began to cover her feet with sand.

“How long have you been with her?”

“About a year.”

“Where did you meet?”

“At a charity dinner my company was hosting. She was there with her husband, Ian, who was a big donor. We were seated at the same table. There was something about her, I don’t know exactly what it was. She practically ignored Ian and spent the entire night talking to me. It was only by chance that I ran into her the next day and one thing led to another.”

“So you didn’t mind that she was already married?” Millicent asked.

“No. There was such an intense passion in the beginning. I’d never experienced that with anybody before so I didn’t care that she was married. I knew she didn’t love Ian.”

They sat in silence again. Then Andrew asked Millicent if she wanted to walk down the beach.

“I think I’ll just sit here for a while,” Millicent said.

Andrew walked down the beach. A few minutes later he looked back to see Millicent sitting with her arms behind her, supporting her weight, and her face turned up to the sky. In that moment she looked happy. Then he thought of Flora. They had never experience a day like today. They had never spent a day out together.

The attraction that first night had been intense. When they ran into each other the next day, both gave into their desires. Since then Flora was always extra careful they were never seen in public together. That meant no restaurants, no theaters, no public places. Their secret rendezvous were always at Andrew’s flat. In the beginning Andrew yearned to take Flora out. But soon he became resolved to the fact that if he wanted to be with her there were conditions he’d have to adhere to. At the time it was a sacrifice Andrew was willing to make. Now he wasn’t so sure.

When he got back to the blanket Millicent was sitting with her knees to her chest, her arms resting on her knees and her chin on her arms. Her eyes were closed.

“Millicent?”

“Ummm,” she said, looking up at him. “Did you have a nice walk?”

“Yes,” he said as he sat down. He realized that this was the first time he’d be out in public with a woman since meeting Flora. Although he wasn’t sure if a picnic on an almost empty beach counted.

“The sun is starting to go down. Should we head back?” Millicent asked.

“Let’s sit for a little while longer,” Andrew said.

The two sat watching the sunset. Andrew had never seen a sunset with Flora. There was so much that he had never done with her and he now realized that he probably never would. What kind of relationship can he have? He wanted more. He wanted to take the woman he loved out to dinner, on a walk around the botanic gardens holding hands, to see watch a sunset. And Andrew realized he would never be able to do those things with Flora. Suddenly he was seeing his relationship with Flora in a different light.

Next to him Millicent shivered. “You’re getting cold,” Andrew said. “Let’s head back.”

They picked up their belongings and headed toward the path. Andrew went before Millicent and offered his hand to her along the way. Once they reached the top Andrew continued to hold Millicent’s hand until they were in the garden.

“Wait,” Millicent said. Andrew stopped and turned towards her. “I just wanted to thank you. It’s been a long time since, well, since . . . I mean . . . what I’m trying to say is I had a lovely time today.”

“Me too,” Andrew said and kissed her cheek.

Just then John walked through the garden. “I was just going to check and see if you were still on the beach since it has gotten dark. Did you have a good time?”

“Yes,” Millicent said.

“It was a great day,” Andrew replied.

“Good,” John said. “We actually have guests for dinner tonight.”

“I’ll take the picnic basket back to the kitchen,” Andrew said when they got back inside. “See you at dinner.”

* * *

John walked with Millicent up to the third floor. “You look like you had a really good time. You got a little sun too.”

Millicent didn’t say anything.

“I know you like Andrew,” John said, “but just remember he has a girlfriend.”

“I’m aware of that,” Millicent said, angry with John for bringing it up.

“I don’t what you to get hurt again.”

“Just leave me alone,” Millicent said as she went into her room and closed the door. She knew he didn’t understand. Yes, she might have feelings for Andrew that went beyond friendship but right now the friendship they had was very important to her. If that was all she could have with him then she could live with that. Right now she was happy and she wanted to enjoy it.

Chapter 3

The next morning Millicent went down to breakfast to find only John there. She started to tell him what happened. He stopped her and said Andrew had explained everything to him.

“I’m so sorry,” Millicent cried.

John went over to hug her. “I’m just glad you’re all right.”

“I ruined everything. I didn’t mean too. I don’t want you to worry about me. I just…"

“Shhh, I know. Everything will be fine. But now you need to eat,” John said, pulling out a chair for her.

Andrew had started to enter the dining room after Millicent but decided not to. He overheard the conversation and felt such sorrow for Millicent, something he’d never felt before. He couldn’t even image going through what she had and wondered how people could be so mean and heartless. Andrew had never felt that type of rejection in his life.

* * *

That night Andrew went to dinner to find a pretty blond woman sitting next to John. She looked up as Andrew entered the dining room and he was taken aback by her piercing blue eyes and dazzling smile.

“Andrew, this is my girlfriend, Sophie,” John said.

Sophie rose from her chair and extended her hand to Andrew. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. John told me how much you’ve helped him these last few weeks.”

“It’s nice to meet you as well,” Andrew said, taking her hand. He took a seat and noticed Millicent had come in unseen.

“Millicent,” Sophie said, “don’t let me leave without giving you that book you ordered last week. I brought it with me tonight.”

The Kents had moved on and new guests had arrived in their place. A young couple from Rome, Fiona and Gianni Moretti were on their honeymoon, touring Great Britain.

As dinner was served, Sophie asked Andrew his impressions of Land’s End. He said it was beautiful and the Moriettis agreed. Andrew gave them some restaurant recommendations for when they visited Oxford. Millicent watch quietly, envious of how easily Sophie could join in a conversation, telling stories of tourist who came into her book store during the summer. Andrew laughed as Sophie described how she convinced a group of Japanese tourist that the local hotel they were staying at was haunted.

“Sophie, you are awful,” John said.

“I was just having a little fun. No harm done,” Sophie said noticing the quick glances Millicent was giving Andrew. “I even got them to buy a guide book about local ancient ruins.”

“She’s quite a saleswoman, my Sophie,” John said giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m glad I’m not a tourist in your shop,” Andrew teased.

“Millicent knows a lot about the ruins around here,” Sophie told the Morettis, hoping to draw her into the conversation. “Maybe she could take you on a tour.”

Sophie had hoped Millicent would describing the remains of Dougherty Castle, a favorite spot of hers, but instead she just blushed and stared down at her plate, not saying a word.

Fiona and Gianni looked at each other, trying to figure out a polite way to decline the offer, if it ever came.

“I’d like that,” Andrew said, wanting to ease Millicent’s discomfort. Millicent looked up at him and smiled.

After coffee Sophie took Millicent into the library where she gave her the book she’d brought.

“Andrew seems nice,” Sophie said.

“Yes, he is,” Millicent said, examining the back of the book. She was sure John had told Sophie what had happened in Oxford.

“John thought you might have a slight crush on him.”

Millicent’s face turned red. “John told you that?”

“Before you came down to dinner.”

“No,” Millicent said as defensively as possible. “I don’t have a crush on Andrew. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“It’s okay to like Andrew,” Sophie said.

“Did John tell you he has a girlfriend back in Oxford?”

“He did mention that.”

“Okay then.”

“Millicent, come sit down,” Sophie said. Millicent picked an oversize chair and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. Sophie sat in a chair opposite her. “Andrew is a nice guy. It’s good that you are friends. That’s what I meant when I said it was okay to like him.”

“I can’t have any expectations,” Millicent said, more to convince herself than Sophie.

“Millicent, you can’t go through life not wanting things, not feeling things. Life is all about feeling happiness and pain. Don’t you think you should allow yourself to be happy after all the pain you’ve already endured?” Sophie asked.

“But how can I be sure I don’t end up with more pain?”

“You can’t. You have to take a chance. That’s what life is all about, taking chances. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but when it does the happiness is the best feeling in the world.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Millicent said getting up and walking around the library. “The world is kind to beautiful people.”

“When are you going to except the fact that there’s more to beauty than what is on the outside?” Millicent stifled a laugh but Sophie continued. “Good looks don’t last but what’s on the inside does. I’m sure Andrew can see that beauty in you.”

“You honestly think Andrew can see past this ugly, scared face?”

“Yes, I think he can. Take a chance and let him get to know you. He might turn out to be a really good friend.”

* * *

A little while later Millicent found Andrew in John’s office.

“Did you talk to John this morning?” Andrew asked.

“Yes, but he said you already told him everything.”

“I didn’t mean to but he was extremely worried about you.”

“It’s okay. I just wanted to apologize to you again. I’m sure you never expected to have to deal with all this drama when you came here.”

“There really isn’t any need. . . ,” Andrew said.

“I really feel terrible about everything,” Millicent said. “And I would like to make it up to you, if you’ll let me.”

“You really don’t have to.”

“I want to. I want to help you, here in the office. Any way I can. I can type or make copies or fax things, whatever you need,” Millicent said.

“Well, okay,” Andrew said a little reluctantly. “I do have a spreadsheet that needs to be worked on.”

* * *

Over the next few weeks Millicent was everywhere Andrew was, at meals, in the library and in the office. Andrew had to admit that at first Millicent had been helpful but when he didn’t have anything for her to do she still lingered. She made sure she sat next to him at meals and one night even brought tea up to his room after he had retired for the night. It was starting to make him feel uncomfortable.

“She probably has a school-girl crush on you,” Flora said one night.

“God, I hope not,” Andrew said. “This assignment has been tough enough without having to deal with that.”

“Is there any way you can have her help somewhere else? Like run errands or work in a different part of the manor?” Flora asked.

“Maybe. I know she felt back about the trip to Oxford but I really don’t need that much help. I don’t know how to tell her without hurting her feelings.”

“Just be honest with her darling.”

“I think this is the first time in a long time that she’s felt useful. That she has a reason to get up in the morning. John mentioned again the other day how much her health has improved. She’s been to every meal. I don’t want to ruin that.”

“Andrew, I told you when you first got there that it wasn’t your responsibility to take care of Millicent. You job is finances, remember that.”

“I know, you’re right.”

“Now, when will you be back to see me? I miss you.”

"Maybe I can get back the weekend after next. Would that work for you?”

“I’ll have to check Ian’s schedule,” Flora said.

“Don’t you get tired of this sometimes?” Andrew asked.

“Tired of what?”

“Having to sneak around.”

“If that’s the only way I can see you, I don’t mind.”

“But are you happy?” Andrew asked.

“I am when I’m with you.”

“But what about the rest of the time?”

“I manage. What is this all about?” Flora asked.

“You know I’ve never said anything to you about this before, but you have ever thought about leaving Ian?”

“Actually, I have,” Flora said, “but I can’t. You know I love Matthew and couldn’t do that to him.”

“We could work something out,” Andrew said. “I bet over half the kids in his school have divorced parents or remarried parents with half siblings and step siblings.”

“There more to it than that,” Flora said.

“What? What could be more important?”

Flora hesitated for a moment. “Don’t think me cold for saying this, but money.”

“Money?” Andrew asked in disbelief.

“Yes,” Flora said defensively. “I have none. I totally rely on Ian for everything.”

“I make pretty good money,” Andrew said. “We would manage.”

“But not in the lifestyle I have now,” Flora said. “I have to think of Matthew.”

“Are you sure you’re not just thinking of yourself?”

“Andrew! I can’t believe you just said that.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know how long we can keep going on like this.”

“Things were fine before you went to Land’s End,” Flora said. “I don’t understand what has changed.”

“Nothing really,” Andrew said. “Maybe it’s me.”

“Andrew, I love you,” Flora said. “That’s what I can give you. Do you love me?”

“Yes."

“Then let’s not discuss this any further. Will you all me to let me know when you’re coming home?”

“I will.”