Chapter 4

The morning after his conversation with Flora, Andrew decided to tell Millicent that he didn’t need her help anymore. Flora had been right. Andrew was here to do a job. He wanted to be a friend to Millicent but he didn’t need any complications.

“Millicent,” Andrew said as she started dusting the office. “I really appreciate everything you’ve done over the last few weeks.”

“I’ve been glad to help,” she said, continuing with her dusting.

“But I really don’t feel right taking up all your time.”

“I’ve enjoyed helping.”

This isn’t going to be easy, Andrew thought.

“Actually Millicent, I think you’ve done everything I’ve needed help with.”

“Oh,” she said, stopping what she was doing. “You’re sure?”

“Yes,” Andrew said. “Thank you.”

“I can . . . ,” Millicent said.

“No, Millicent, please,” Andrew said forcefully. “This is getting to be too much. Everywhere I turn, you’re there. I can’t take it anymore. It would be better if you just left.”

“Have I don’t something wrong?” Millicent asked. “Because if I have . . .”

“No, you haven’t done anything wrong,” Andrew said.

“But there really is so much more . . .”

“No!” Andrew yelled. “Aren’t you listening to me? You need to leave. I can’t have you fluttering around here anymore. I need to concentrate on work. That’s why I’m here.”

“I thought that maybe . . .,” Millicent started to say then changed her mind. “Of course, I understand. I’m sorry I’ve been such a bother to you.”

Andrew now wished he could take back what he said. He wasn’t handling the situation the way he intended to.

“Millicent, wait,” he said, but it was too late. She had already left the office.

* * *

What had she been thinking? Millicent knew she never should have listened to Sophie. She broke rule number one – no expectations. And thinking back Millicent realized how stupid she’d been acting. She’d been in isolation for so long that she’d gone to extremes with Andrew. How had she gotten so obsessed? Millicent was now too embarrassed to even face Andrew again.

* * *

Andrew didn’t see Millicent for three days. At dinner on the third night Andrew and John were alone so Andrew asked him about Millicent.

“She hasn’t been feeling well. I know you had a fight with her, although she won’t tell me what it was about. She’s terribly upset by it and isn’t eating again,” he said. “If she doesn’t improve by morning I’m calling Doctor Treadwell.”

Andrew wondered what he’d gotten himself into. He felt guilty and was angry for feeling that way. Millicent wasn’t his problem. Her self-induced illness wasn’t his problem.

“I thought she was getting better,” John said. “She was enjoying the time she spent with you.”

“You can’t hold me responsible,” Andrew said.

“What?” John asked.

“I am not responsible for Millicent’s health.”

“Of course not,” John said. “I wasn’t implying. . ."

“Yes, you were. I’m not some kind of healer. I’m not here to make your sister better. I’m here so you will continue to have a business to run and a place to live.”

“Andrew, I never intended…,” John said.

“I know what your intentions were,” Andrew replied angrily. “You were using me to help Millicent. You thought she’d come out of her shell and her health would improve if somebody showed her some attention. Make her forget about George. I’ve been naïve not to have seen it sooner.”

“Please, let me explain,” John said. “It was not my intention for things to happen the way they have. But after the Oxford trip I saw how happy she was and how you took care of her.”

“Damn it, John! I’m not a heartless person. What was I supposed to do, leave her in the hospital by herself?”

“That’s what George did.”

“Don’t you dare compare me to George!” Andrew yelled. He threw his napkin on the table and left. He needed some air. Things had gotten out of control, he thought as he walked the path to the cliffs. He looked out over the sea and let the wind cool his face. The guilt was too much. He knew that when Millicent was happy she felt better. And he knew that right now he could make her happy. But she was suffocating him. He couldn’t have her around every hour of the day. She would need to give him space, make it a proper friendship. He had to try to make things better. He walked back to the manor and up to Millicent’s room.

“Millicent, it’s Andrew,” he said after knocking on the door. There was no response. “Millicent?”

“Come in.” The room was dark with only a single light on next to the bed. The air was stuffy and the curtains were drawn. The room was similar to Andrew’s but more lived in. Family photographs hung on the wall and several books were piled on the table next to the bed. Millicent was sitting up in bed reading. She looked thin and pale, much like she had that first night Andrew had met her in the library. Andrew took a chair, pulled it next to the bed and sat down.

“John told me you weren’t feeling well,” Andrew said.

Millicent said nothing and stared at the book in her hand.

“I’m sorry I upset you the other day.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I understand.”

“But I don’t think you do. I wasn’t trying to get rid of you. I enjoy your company, really I do.”

“Please, you don’t need to explain anything.”

“I do. I’ve just had a lot on my mind and I needed a little bit of space. I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“I don’t want to complicate things for you.”

“Don’t think that. I am truly sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Millicent said finally looking up at Andrew. “I’m so embarrassed by my behavior. I’m not sure why I became that way.”

“Maybe you need to get out more,” Andrew suggested. “Maybe you need to make some plans for your life.”

“No expectations, remember?”

“Millicent, you can’t spend the rest of your life in the bubble of Wainwright Manor, not letting anything touch you.”

Getting up and opening the curtain, Andrew said, “Let’s start by getting some fresh air in here.” He opened the window and a soft breeze flowed into the room. “That’s better. Now I was thinking of taking a walk tomorrow, down the cliffs to the shore. Get some exercise. If you’re feeling better would you like to join me?”

“Andrew, don’t feel obligated to. . .”

“Millicent, I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t want your company.”

Millicent knew Andrew was right about her living in a bubble. She was living in isolation, away from anything, good or bad, that might touch her. “All right then, what if I ask Cathy to pack us a picnic?”

“That would be wonderful. Thank you.”

Even though Andrew found himself actually looking forward to the picnic, he was having a hard time understanding his feelings toward Millicent. He wasn’t physically attracted to her but she was very different from the other women he knew, women who were attractive, confident and cultured, like Flora. Millicent saw things differently that other women. The sadness Millicent felt made Andrew sad as well. Most of the women Andrew knew were proudly independent, making sure everyone knew they didn’t need a man to take care of them. He didn’t think Millicent needed anyone to take of her either but she was longing for something. A companion, some to love and love her in return.

* * *

Millicent tried to contain her excitement about the picnic. No expectations, she reminded herself. She kept telling herself that Andrew was just being nice. He really didn’t have anything to entertain him at the manor when he wasn’t working. He was probably so bored he would have suggested a walk to anyone.

Millicent dug into the back of her closet and pulled out a sundress she hadn’t worn since leaving Oxford. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d worn any dress. She pulled a cardigan from the closet as well. Millicent decided that for once she would make an effort with her appearance. She couldn’t do anything about the scar on her face but everything else could look nice. And maybe Andrew was different, she thought. Maybe he could see beyond the exterior regardless of what her face looked like.

* * *

Before going to bed that night Andrew went to find John. He was in the office working on the payroll.

“John,” Andrew said. John looked up from his computer. “I just wanted to apologize for my behavior at dinner tonight. I let other things cloud my thinking.”

“No, it’s me who should apology,” John said. “I never meant to compare you to George. I guess I’ve become an overly protective brother.”

“I went and saw Millicent tonight,” Andrew said. “If she’s up to it we’re going to picnic on the beach tomorrow.”

“Andrew, you don’t have to go out of your way for Millicent.”

“It’s all right. I want to do this.”

* * *

The next day was perfect for a picnic, sunny with a slight breeze coming off the calm sea. Millicent got dressed and went downstairs to breakfast. She was pouring a cup of tea when Andrew came in.

“You look very pretty today,” he said.

Millicent blushed.

After breakfast Millicent collected a basket from Carol, and she and Andrew walked through the garden gate towards the cliffs.

“Wait,” Millicent said, stopping just outside the gate. She took a deep breath. “Doesn’t it smell wonderful? The combination of flowers and sea air.”

Andrew closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes, I’ve never noticed it before.”

Millicent smiled at him and they continued walking. The path led them down to the beach shore where they spread out a blanket and set the picnic basket down.

“Isn’t it a lovely day?” Millicent asked. She took off her sandals and wiggled her toes in the sand.

“I had never been to this part of the country before coming to Wainwright Manor,” Andrew said.

“Some people say it’s the prettiest part of England’s coastline.”

“I can see why.”

Millicent asked Andrew about his childhood. He told her about growing up with two older brothers in Greenwich, east of London. He felt he had a fairly typical middle class childhood. His mother stayed at home and his was an accountant, now retired.

“And did you go to school at Oxford?” Millicent asked.

“No, I went to the London Business School at the University of London.”

“Did you enjoy it there?”

“After my first year I moved out of the family house and into a flat with four other blokes. I worked in a pub just off campus when I wasn’t studying to help pay tuition. Pretty typical university experience, I guess.”

“And did you a girlfriend?”

“Lydia. Things got pretty serious for a while but in the end she pitched me and went to America to work for the forest service or something like that. She was obsessed with the Rocky Mountains. I think she’s living in Colorado or Utah, somewhere in the mountains with lots of evergreen trees. She left after we graduated and I got a job at the Bank of Oxford.”

A seagull flew overhead and they watched it skim over the water.

“What was your childhood like?” Andrew asked.

Millicent told him about growing up in Oxford where both her parents were professors. They had encouraged her to read so she spent most of her time with her nose in a book. She wasn’t very popular and got teased but John tried to stand up for her as much as possible.

“I miss my parents,” Millicent said. “We used to have such wonderful conversations.”

“John told me they passed away,” Andrew said. “My parents didn’t pay too much attention to my brothers and me. I think their main concern was that we didn’t break too many bones or kill each other.”

“Are you close with your brothers?” Millicent asked.

“Not really. I talk to them every so often and see them at Christmas but that’s about it. Both are married with kids and have their own lives. They do go visit Mum and Dad quite often which makes them happy. They like to spend time with their grandkids.”

“Do you want children one day?”

“I don’t know. I guess it would depend on who I was having them with.”

“What about Flora? Does she have children?”

“A son, Matthew. He’s seven.”

“Have you met him?”

“No,” Andrew answered. “I’ve never even seen a photograph of him.”

The two sat quietly for a while, watching the seagull dive into the water several times before successfully getting what it wanted and flying away.

“Let’s walk down to the water.” Andrew took off his shoes and rolled up his pants. He started to walk into the tide before running back to the dry sand. “Damn, it’s cold!”

Millicent laughed. “It’s lovely to look at but frigid. Notice how there isn’t anybody swimming.” There were other people on the beach but nobody was in the water.

“So you knew it cause frostbit on my feet but you let me go in anyway?” Andrew teased her. Millicent giggled. “Let’s see how funny it is to get a little chill yourself,” Andrew said, playfully splashing water towards Millicent with his foot.

She laughed and moved away.

“You won’t get away that easily,” Andrew said and bent down to use his hands. Millicent ran away and Andrew followed. When he caught up with her she was sitting in the sand examining a shell.

“Isn’t it beautiful?’ she asked, handing it to him.

“You should take it home with you.”

“I think I will. To remind me of today,” she smiled. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving, actually.”

They went back to the blanket and unpacked the lunch Cathy had made. Chicken salad sandwiches, green grapes, cheese and sodas. Andrew watched Millicent eat an entire sandwich and some grapes.

“It’s good to see you’ve got your appetite back,” Andrew said. “The doctor in Oxford was concerned about your weight.”

“I’ve never eaten much. For some reason I just don’t get hungry but today this sandwich tasted wonderful.”

“It’s probably all the fresh air.”

“Can I ask you something rather personal?” Millicent asked.

“Sure.”

“Are you happy?”

“I guess so, most of the time,” Andrew said without really thinking about it.

“That’s not good enough.”

“Sometimes you have to take what you can get,” Andrew said, surprised by her response.

“I want the people I care about to be happy all the time,” Millicent said. “And that includes you.”

“That’s really sweet of you but nobody can be happy all the time. Everyone has something in their life they’re not happy about.”

“What aren’t you happy about?” Millicent asked.

“I don’t know. I guess right now its Flora.”

“I thought you loved her.”

“I did. I do. But I’m not sure where our relationship is going.”

“If she’s still married it can’t go anywhere,” Millicent said bluntly.

Andrew began sifting sand through his fingers. “I know.”

“Would she get divorced?”

“No.”

“Doesn’t she love you?”

“She says she does but there are other factors.”

Millicent shook her head. “If she really loves you she would divorce her husband and be with you. You deserve that.”

The two sat in silence listening to the waves crash on the shore.

“What do you want your future to be like?” Millicent asked.

“What kind of expectations do I have for my life? I thought you didn’t believe in expectations,” Andrew said.

“I don’t have any for myself but I do for other people,” Millicent said.

“And what if people have expectations for you?”

“Nobody does.”

“John does. I’m sure he wants you to be happy.”

“John probably does have some expectations for me, but he’s my brother, he’s obligated,” Millicent laughed. “What do you want?”

“I guess I want what everyone else wants, a wife, kids, a family to come home to every night.”

“But it doesn’t sound like you can get that with Flora.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

Millicent began to cover her feet with sand.

“How long have you been with her?”

“About a year.”

“Where did you meet?”

“At a charity dinner my company was hosting. She was there with her husband, Ian, who was a big donor. We were seated at the same table. There was something about her, I don’t know exactly what it was. She practically ignored Ian and spent the entire night talking to me. It was only by chance that I ran into her the next day and one thing led to another.”

“So you didn’t mind that she was already married?” Millicent asked.

“No. There was such an intense passion in the beginning. I’d never experienced that with anybody before so I didn’t care that she was married. I knew she didn’t love Ian.”

They sat in silence again. Then Andrew asked Millicent if she wanted to walk down the beach.

“I think I’ll just sit here for a while,” Millicent said.

Andrew walked down the beach. A few minutes later he looked back to see Millicent sitting with her arms behind her, supporting her weight, and her face turned up to the sky. In that moment she looked happy. Then he thought of Flora. They had never experience a day like today. They had never spent a day out together.

The attraction that first night had been intense. When they ran into each other the next day, both gave into their desires. Since then Flora was always extra careful they were never seen in public together. That meant no restaurants, no theaters, no public places. Their secret rendezvous were always at Andrew’s flat. In the beginning Andrew yearned to take Flora out. But soon he became resolved to the fact that if he wanted to be with her there were conditions he’d have to adhere to. At the time it was a sacrifice Andrew was willing to make. Now he wasn’t so sure.

When he got back to the blanket Millicent was sitting with her knees to her chest, her arms resting on her knees and her chin on her arms. Her eyes were closed.

“Millicent?”

“Ummm,” she said, looking up at him. “Did you have a nice walk?”

“Yes,” he said as he sat down. He realized that this was the first time he’d be out in public with a woman since meeting Flora. Although he wasn’t sure if a picnic on an almost empty beach counted.

“The sun is starting to go down. Should we head back?” Millicent asked.

“Let’s sit for a little while longer,” Andrew said.

The two sat watching the sunset. Andrew had never seen a sunset with Flora. There was so much that he had never done with her and he now realized that he probably never would. What kind of relationship can he have? He wanted more. He wanted to take the woman he loved out to dinner, on a walk around the botanic gardens holding hands, to see watch a sunset. And Andrew realized he would never be able to do those things with Flora. Suddenly he was seeing his relationship with Flora in a different light.

Next to him Millicent shivered. “You’re getting cold,” Andrew said. “Let’s head back.”

They picked up their belongings and headed toward the path. Andrew went before Millicent and offered his hand to her along the way. Once they reached the top Andrew continued to hold Millicent’s hand until they were in the garden.

“Wait,” Millicent said. Andrew stopped and turned towards her. “I just wanted to thank you. It’s been a long time since, well, since . . . I mean . . . what I’m trying to say is I had a lovely time today.”

“Me too,” Andrew said and kissed her cheek.

Just then John walked through the garden. “I was just going to check and see if you were still on the beach since it has gotten dark. Did you have a good time?”

“Yes,” Millicent said.

“It was a great day,” Andrew replied.

“Good,” John said. “We actually have guests for dinner tonight.”

“I’ll take the picnic basket back to the kitchen,” Andrew said when they got back inside. “See you at dinner.”

* * *

John walked with Millicent up to the third floor. “You look like you had a really good time. You got a little sun too.”

Millicent didn’t say anything.

“I know you like Andrew,” John said, “but just remember he has a girlfriend.”

“I’m aware of that,” Millicent said, angry with John for bringing it up.

“I don’t what you to get hurt again.”

“Just leave me alone,” Millicent said as she went into her room and closed the door. She knew he didn’t understand. Yes, she might have feelings for Andrew that went beyond friendship but right now the friendship they had was very important to her. If that was all she could have with him then she could live with that. Right now she was happy and she wanted to enjoy it.