Millicent knew her behavior wasn’t normal. She knew she was becoming obsessed with a man she had only just met. She’d had obsessions before and it didn’t end well. She had a constant reminder of that. Any woman could see that Andrew was an attractive man. And Millicent knew that he had been nice to her out of pity. But something he had asked her out in the garden that first day they met had stayed with her. It was when he asked if she had a boyfriend that Millicent could tell that he was asking her out of curiosity, not to be mean. And because of that she felt he had a good hear and she found that very attractive. She was determined to know everything about him, this man with a good heart.
One afternoon Millicent was helping Bethany collect dirty towels for the laundry. With fresh towels in her arms Millicent timidly knocked on Andrew’s door, knowing that he was working in John’s office. She slowly opened the door and entered the room. Men’s pajama bottoms were thrown across the hastily made bed. The Shipping News sat on the nightstand beside the bed. The door to the armoire was slightly ajar and Millicent opened it to reveal Andrew’s clothes. She delicately fingered the sleeve of a sweater and brought it to her nose.
“Millicent?” Bethany called from the hall. “Do you have all the towels?”
Millicent quickly shut the armoire doors and rushed into the bathroom to collect the wet towels and replaced them with clean ones. She was shutting the door to Andrew’s room just as Bethany was exiting from John’s room.
“There you are,” Bethany said.
“Here are the rest of the towels. Shall I carry them down to the laundry for you?”
“Yes, that would be very helpful. Then I can go and strip the beds.”
Millicent took the dirty towels from Bethany and headed downstairs, thankful that she hadn’t been seen. While she put detergent into the washer, Millicent let herself daydream that one night Andrew would knock on her door and confess that he’d fallen in love with her. But after starting the machine, Millicent became angry with herself for thinking such foolish thoughts. Andrew, like any other man, could never really fall in love with her.
The next morning Millicent made a rare appearance at breakfast. Both John and Andrew were already eating.
“Good morning,” John said, surprised to see her.
“I was just about to tell John that I will be going to Oxford for the weekend, leaving early this afternoon,” Andrew said, pouring a cup of tea for Millicent.
Millicent took the cup from Andrew, hoping he didn’t notice how her hands were shaking. She was devastated to learn that Andrew was leaving, if only for the weekend. She had just worked up the courage to ask him to walk down to the beach with her.
“Good,” John said. “I think we’ve made some progress this week. Get away for a while.”
“I’ll be back Sunday evening so can get back to work first thing Monday,” Andrew said.
“John, when can we visit Oxford?” Millicent asked.
“I didn’t know you were interested in going back there,” John said. “It’s been three years.”
“Yes, but, well, I’d like to visit some book stores,” Millicent said. “And I miss walking around the university.”
“You can order books online,” John said. “Plus, you can visit Sophie’s book store any time you like.”
“But it’s not the same,” Millicent said softly.
“Maybe after we have this financial mess worked out we can take a holiday weekend,” John suggested.
“I can take her,” Andrew said unexpectantly.
“What?” John asked at the same time Millicent said, “Really?”
“I don’t mind taking Millicent to Oxford this weekend,” Andrew said.
“I don’t want to be an inconvenience to you,” Millicent said.
“It’s a long drive. Some company would be nice.”
“But where would you stay?” John asked Millicent.
“I can stay in a hotel. There are lots of little, inexpensive hotels that I can find. It would only be for two nights. I can manage. It’s time.”
“I don’t know,” John said.
“I’m not a child, John, and I don’t need your permission. Since Andrew has offered the transportation, I’m going.” Millicent left the table and went to her room to pack. It had been three long years since she’d been to Oxford. She pushed aside the painful memories of George and focused on the three hour car ride with Andrew. She was more excited by that than the book stores. Her mind kept telling her not to get too excited, he was going to see his girlfriend after all. But her heart told her to enjoy what time she would have with him.
When it came time to leave John made Millicent promise to call him when she got to the hotel.
They drove northeast on the A30 with the radio playing quietly. Millicent was trying to think of something, anything, interesting to say.
“I finished The Shipping News,” Andrew said before Millicent could think of anything.
“And what did you think?” Millicent asked.
“The imagery of Newfoundland was wonderful,” he said. “But the main character, Quayle, I didn’t really like him.”
“I don’t think you were supposed to.”
“It took a while to get into but I enjoyed it.”
“It was the same for me. It took me several days to get through the first couple of chapter. I almost gave up.”
“When we get back can you recommend something for me?”
“Of course. Do you have a favorite book?”
“It’s too hard to choice just one.”
“I know, there are so many. I can’t pick a favorite either. Although there are some books I’ve read several times.”
“Like which?” Andrew asked.
“Like which?” Andrew asked.
“Mostly classics,” Millicent answered. “I really like Jane Austen. I don’t know how many times I’ve read Pride and Prejudice. When I was a young girl I read Judy Blume books over and over again until the paper covers were falling off. She’s an American writer.”
“I like Nick Hornby’s books,” Andrew said.
“I do too. Which one is your favorite?”
“High Fidelity. I could relate to Rob.”
“That was the one about the guy who had the record store, right?”
After a couple of hours they stopped for gas and got something to eat. Actually Andrew ate and Millicent just got water.
"Aren’t you hungry?” Andrew asked.
“Not really. I think I’m too excited."
“John’s worried that you don’t eat enough,” Andrew said quietly. “Why don’t I pull over at the next stop so you can get something?”
“I’ll get something after I’ve checked into the hotel.”
“You promise?”
“Yes.”
They rode in silence. Millicent watched the passing landscape change as they got closer to the city.
“Do you like living in Land’s End?” Andrew asked.
“I guess so.”
"It just seems so isolated. I think I’d get lonely living there.”
“I’ve gotten used to it.”
“But I assume one day you’ll move away. Maybe back to Oxford? Or London?” he asked.
“No, I don’t think so,” Millicent said.
“Are you going to spend the rest of your life living at Wainwright Manor reading books?” Andrew asked, half-jokingly.
“I no longer have any expectation for my life,” Millicent said somberly.
“Why not?”
“If you don’t have any expectations then you can’t have any disappointments,” Millicent said. “I’ve already had too many disappointments.”
“Life is full of disappointments, you can’t escape them,” Andrew said. “That’s a rather sad way to look at like.”
“I’d rather feel sadness than pain,” Millicent replied.
“But then that’s not really living is it?” he asked.
“I get pleasures out of life without having expectations,” Millicent said. “When you don’t expect anything but something happens anyway, you can appreciate it more.”
“I suppose,” Andrew replied, wondering what had happened in Millicent’s past that made her think this way.
When they arrive in Oxford Andrew dropped Millicent off at the hotel and gave her his business card with his cell number on the back in case she needed anything. He told her to get some dinner and he would pick her up at three o’clock on Sunday. Then Andrew sped off to his flat and Flora.
Millicent checked in, phoned John to tell him she’d arrived safely and decided to take a walk before bed. It was dark and she didn’t go far. The bright lights, the smell of car exhaust and the sound of the traffic brought back memories Millicent had tried hard to forget. For a split second she thought of walking the few block to the flat she had once shared with George but she knew that wouldn’t be a good idea.
She didn’t feel as comfortable as she expected. Millicent had forgotten how many people lived in Oxford. She had also forgotten the promise she made to Andrew about getting something to eat. She wasn’t hungry. Instead she felt anxious. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a glimpse of a man who looked like George. She hadn’t thought of the possibility of bumping into him. Millicent took a deep breath and convinced herself that would never happen, in a city of so many people, the chances were slim. Even so, she increased her pace back to the hotel where she had a restless night.
* * *
Flora was waiting for Andrew at his flat when he arrived.
“Darling!” she yelled and ran toward him when he walked through the door. He dropped his bag and she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. “I’ve missed you.”
"I’ve missed you too,” Andrew said kissing her.
“I thought you’d never get here. It felt like I’ve been waiting for hours,” she said taking his hand. “Ever since you left I’ve been wondering what you’ve been doing, when I was going to get to see you again, when I was going to be able to hold you again.”
“I’m here now,” Andrew said pulling her close and stroking her hair. “When do you have to be home?”
“In about three hours,” Flora replied.
“Let’s not waste a minute,” Andrew said as he led her to the bedroom.
* * *
In the morning Millicent skipped breakfast at the hotel and walked to High Street where she found a used book store. She walked past the two cash registers by the front door and stopped at a wall of new releases. She took a deep breath, taking in the unique smell of so many books in one place. The smell wasn’t as strong as the library at Wainwright Manor but it was comforting just the same. After scanning the new titles Millicent aimlessly wandered through the store. She felt safe among the thousands of books, reading from some and adding to the collection in her arms. Among the books she selected was a best seller she thought Andrew might enjoy.
Millicent had no idea how much time had passed before she felt dizzy. She tried to steady herself against one of the shelves and searched for a chair. But the room began to spin and the books fell from her arms. Everything went dark as Millicent fell to the floor.
When she awoke Millicent was in the hospital. Her head hurt and she had an IV in her arm. A nurse came in a few minutes later.
“Glad to see you’re awake,” the nurse said. She took the clipboard that was hanging from the end of her bed.
“What happened?” Millicent asked.
“You passed out. How long has it been since you’ve eaten?”
“I guess yesterday morning.”
The nurse made some notes on the clipboard.
“Are you pregnant?”
“I beg your pardon?” Millicent asked, quite shocked.
“Are you or could you be pregnant?”
“No, absolutely not.”
“We’re going to do a few tests and keep you overnight,” the nurse said, replacing the clipboard. “You probably have a headache from the bump on your head. Take these.” The nurse handed her a tiny paper cup with two pills in it. “You bag is there on the table. We opened it when you arrived to find some ID. One of the nurses saw the business card and called the number on the back of it. He should be here shortly.”
The last thing Millicent wanted was to see Andrew. Maybe he wouldn’t come. The nurse took some blood and left. Millicent didn’t realize how tired she was. She closed her eyes and soon drifted off the sleep. But when she awoke a few hours later Andrew was sitting beside her bed.
“You’re supposed to be with Flora,” Millicent said.
“You brother would kill me if I knew you were in the hospital and I didn’t come to see you.”
“You didn’t ring John, did you?” Millicent asked, suddenly sitting up in bed.
“No, calm down.”
“I’m all right, really. There’s no need for him to know about this.”
“He’s going to find out. You can’t hide something like this.”
“Please, don’t say anything,” Millicent pleaded.
“I won’t. But you’re going to have to tell him. The doctor said you’re going to stay overnight. I’ll go to the hotel, collect your things and bring them back here,” Andrew said.
“What about Flora?” Millicent asked. “You don’t have to come back tonight. I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?” Andrew asked. He knew Flora would be upset if he cancelled on her. Especially if it was because of Millicent.
“Yes, you came home to see Flora. I don’t want to spoil your plans any more than I already have. Please.”
“Okay, but only if you promise to call me if you need anything.”
“I will.”
“I’ll be back in the morning. Then we’ll head back to Land’s End,” Andrew said, getting up to leave.
“Andrew, I’m so sorry,” Millicent said as she tears rolled down her face.
“Please don’t cry,” Andrew said. “I won’t leave if you start to cry.”
“I just feel terrible for what I’ve done.”
“You haven’t done anything. It’s fine, really. Just as long as you’re okay.”
“Thank you,” Millicent said, wiping her nose.
“Get some rest.”
* * *
Flora arrived at Andrew’s flat only an hour after her returned.
“What are these?” she asked, pointing at the bags by the door.
“They belong to Millicent,” Andrew said.
“Why do you have them? Is she here?”
“No. She’s in the hospital and will be overnight. I went and got her things from the hotel.”
“What happened?” Flora asked as they sat on the sofa and she started to rub his shoulders.
“Mmm, that feels good. The doctor’s not sure. She hadn’t eaten, felt dizzy and passed out. I’m sure she’s going to be alright.”
“Good. Now no more talk of Millicent and Wainwright Manor. Ian is out of town on business and Matthew is at a sleepover so we have the entire night to ourselves,” Flora said as she kissed the back of Andrew’s neck.
“Wonderful.”
* * *
Coming to Oxford had been a mistake, Millicent thought as she lay in the hospital bed. The lasts thing she wanted to do was cause trouble. She tried to sleep but couldn’t. The doctor told her she was slightly anemic, her red blood cell count was down. They had no reason to believe it was anything other than an iron deficiency and gave her a B12 shot. She was also given a lecture on nutrition because she hadn’t eaten and, according to the doctor, was too thin.
She felt foolish and embarrassed. Andrew must think she was a stupid twit. She thought she was a stupid twit. Only yesterday she had been so excited to spend time alone with Andrew. Now the thought of the five hour drive home made her nauseous. She thought for sure he would just hate her. He came home to spend time with Flora and ended up at the hospital with her. When they got home she would make it up to him. She’d help him in any way possible. Type for him, make copies, get him tea. Whatever he needed.
Andrew assured the doctor that Millicent’s diet would improve as she signed the release papers. The trip home was uneventful and quite. Millicent pretended to sleep most of the way and Andrew kept the radio off. She sat up in her seat as they got closer to Land’s End.
“I’m sorry I spoiled your weekend,” Millicent said.
“You didn’t spoil it. I’m just glad you’re all right.”
Millicent was quiet for a moment before asking, “Do you remember when you asked me if I was lonely living at Wainwright Manor?”
“Yes.”
“I guess I am lonely. It’s my own fault really. I hid myself away when I arrived. I don’t have any friends, other than Sophie and she has to like me because I’m John’s sister.”
“We can be friends,” Andrew said.
“Really?” she asked.
“Yes, I’d like to be your friend.”
“I’d like that too,” she said as they pulled up the drive to Wainwright Manor.
“You’re going to tell John what happened, right?” Andrew asked.
“Yes,” Millicent said. “I’ll tell him in the morning.”
Being friends with Millicent wouldn’t be that tough, Andrew thought, and he’d probably never see her after he finished this job. He knew the reason he agreed to the friendship was because he felt sorry for her. There was such sadness in her that Andrew couldn’t quite figure out. And for some reason he felt drawn to her because of it.
John greeting them at the door and asked how things went. Millicent quietly said it was enjoyable but she was tired and went straight to her room. John sensed something was wrong.
“What happened?” he asked Andrew as they went into the sitting room.
“Millicent will tell you in the morning,” Andrew said as he poured himself a brandy.
“Is she all right? She didn’t look well.”
“Yes, she’s fine now.”
“Now? Millicent,” he yelled as he headed up the stairs.
“Millicent passed out in a bookstore yesterday,” Andrew said as John stopped and turned around.
“Dear God!”
“She’s fine. She made a stupid mistake but she’s fine. She hadn’t eaten since leaving here. She said she wasn’t hungry on the drive there and she promised me she’d get something to eat after she got settled into the hotel. But she didn’t and then skipped breakfast. She spent last night in the hospital,” Andrew said and explained what the doctor said about her condition.
“Never again,” John said. “I knew it was too soon.”
“Too soon for what?”
“Too soon for her to return to Oxford.”
“Why? What happened in Oxford?”
“It’s a long story,” John said. “It’s been three years. She’s been doing so much better since you arrived, she likes you, so I thought maybe a weekend in Oxford would be good for her.”
“John, you know I couldn’t have done anything to prevent this,” Andrew said.
“I know. I don’t blame you. I’m glad you were there for her. I’m just afraid that she might get too attached to you.”
“I went to Oxford to see Flora,” Andrew said. “Millicent knew that. We’re just friends.”
“Of course but she has seemed almost happy these last few days. I hadn’t seen her this happy since George.”
“George?” Andrew asked.
John poured himself a brandy and sat down.
“Millicent met George at university. They had been paired together for some sort of project,” John began. “They became friends, although I think George just liked having somebody around who could help him with his studies. They lost touch after graduation but met up again a few years later. Millicent wouldn’t stop talking about him. She adored him. Our parent s died after she graduated and I think she was lonely when ran into George again. She knew he didn’t feel the same about her but thought that in time he would grow to love her.
“They decided to share a flat, with separate bedrooms. Once again I think George just liked having someone around, he liked that she cooked and cleaned for him. I didn’t think much of him but Millicent was happy so I looked the other way.
“Then George came home one day and said he met someone, he was getting married and Millicent needed to move out immediately. She begged him to let her stay but George showed his true colors and said some very nasty things. Millicent was heartbroken. She packed up and left. She’d been driving around aimlessly for hours, she didn’t have anywhere to go. I had just moved to Lands’ End at the time. She didn’t see the stop sign and was hit head-on by a truck.”
“Is that how she got the scar?” Andrew asked.
“Yes,” John said, “but the scar was the least of her worries. She was in a coma for five weeks. She broke both her legs, her left arm, some ribs. The doctor’s didn’t know if you would ever wake up or what kind of condition she’d be in if she did. I didn’t know what had happened when I called George. He told me nothing and never came to the hospital to see Millicent.”
“Bastard.”
“Millicent was in the hospital for several months after she came out of the coma and it took a long time before she told me what had happened. She was in a terrible state. The doctors said she suffered from depression. They gave her medication but it didn’t seem to help. I had already bought this place so when it came time for her to leave the hospital I brought her here. I thought this would be a good place for her to recover. No reminders of George or Oxford.”
“How awful,” Andrew said.
“So you can understand why I don’t want her hurt again,” John said. “It would kill her. She hasn’t been the same since the accident.”
“I would never do anything to hurt her,” Andrew said.
“Maybe not intentionally,” John said.
“I would like to be her friend.”
“I just don’t want her to expect more.”
“John, she can’t go through life without experiencing relationship for fear of being hurt,” Andrew said. “She’s a grown woman and can make her own decisions.”
“I know but she’s not in a good state of mind. She can’t really make normal, rational decisions,” John insisted.
“Give her a chance.”
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